6 Hacks on How to Crush Negative Self-Talk about your Body Inside & Outside the Bedroom

Let’s face it, if you identify as female in this culture, you have most likely struggled with negative thoughts and feelings about your body. No surprise there. Maybe you tend to focus on a particular body part that you don’t like, or maybe it’s thoughts about your particular size or shape or any number of perceived flaws that consume & you. 

As a naturally shy and self-conscious person, I too have spent a fair amount of my time preoccupied by thoughts of how I appear to others and what they might be thinking about me. It’s a mental burden. Years ago, a  therapist once asked me “If you weren’t thinking about your weight, what WOULD you be thinking about?” Honestly, I didn’t have an answer for her.  OK, that sounds kind of pathetic. But her question was important. Because it was getting at the idea that sometimes women over focus on thoughts about our weight and body as a distraction or avoidance strategy or a smoke screen. Because it’s easy to pin our unhappiness on our bodies. It’s much harder to go a little deeper and discover the real sources & origins of our unhappiness, feelings of unworthiness or self- hatred, fears of rejection or aging, and so much more.

Fast forward 25 years and lots of therapy and personal & spiritual growth work later, I have learned a thing or two about working with and around, rather than struggling against, those pesky body image issues. 

This is especially important when it comes to sex. 

I mean, if you can’t enjoy being in your body, it can be hard, if not impossible, to be fully present with a partner during sex. If you have found yourself feeling distracted by worries about certain soft parts of your body, what your partner is seeing, your perceived imperfections, you - sweetheart, are in your head and not in the moment. And when you are in your head and not in the moment, I can tell you straight out, you are missing out on some good stuff. 

So instead of just another blog offering advice on how to love your body, I’d like to instead offer some hacks to work around those relentless body image issues that are preventing you from living your best life in & out of the bedroom.

Hack #1: Treat yourself to some lingerie and change up the lighting

I love lingerie because it’s a quick fix and it works. It’s not uncommon for women to identify negative body image as a huge obstacle to enjoying sex. If being completely naked feels way too vulnerable and distracting for you, lingerie is great because you can disguise the parts of your body you struggle with and/or emphasize the parts that you like. Even strategically draping a furry or silky blanket over certain areas of your body will help you to focus less on those places so that you can be more present to enjoy the experience. Likewise, if candle light or colored lights are a better look for you, don’t be afraid to discuss your preferences with your bae, so that you can work together to create a space that Broadway lighting designers would be proud of. 

Hack #2: Change what you are focusing on

You can’t technically focus on 2 things at once. So, if you sometimes notice yourself thinking, worrying or obsessing when you should be in the throes of passion, consider gently moving your focus away from those thoughts in your head to noticing the SENSATIONS in your body. You might actually notice some nice tingly feelings. Or you could also focus on something outside of yourself that is arousing to you, like the scent of your partner’s hair, the sexy sounds they make, their smooth lips, or a hot body part. The take away: Get out of your head!

Hack #3: Take in your partner’s appreciation & desire for you

Learn to take in your partners appreciation and desire for you. Think about the last time your partner gave you a compliment. Did you take it in and savor it? Did you thank them? I’m guessing not so much. Chances are, your partner likes and enjoys (if not loves) your body. Try actually believing them; consider the crazy idea of relaxing into their touch. Practice being open to your partner touching and caressing those soft spots on your body without tensing up or pushing their hand away. Try pretending, for a moment, that you could actually be desirable and lovable just the way you are. 

Hack #4: Appreciate your body parts that work well

The key to affirmations is that you must believe them. Most of the time, we’re aiming way too high in our affirmation statements. Standing in front of a mirror naked and saying “I love you” over and over just doesn’t work for a lot of us, because it’s too far away from what we actually believe. That’s why I’m suggesting we aim LOW. Start with appreciating parts of your body that you never think about but must be working well, because frankly, you are alive. For example, consider how awesome your feet are because they hold up the entire weight of your body. Or consider how great your lungs are working because you are breathing. Tell your legs they are doing a great job when you are walking to the fridge. Tell your fingers how much you appreciate them while you type or swipe. Appreciate the fact that the clitoris has DOUBLE the number of nerve endings of the penis and appears to have no other function other than pure pleasure. If you can’t appreciate how your body looks, perhaps you can practice appreciating the miracle of how it functions. 

And for those who struggle with bodies (or parts of the body) that don’t always function well, I will say this: Sometimes our bodies are sick, don’t work properly, & don’t do what we’d like them to do. Bodies, it seems, have a mind & intelligence of their own. It is possible however, to love our bodies, despite how they may or may not be cooperating, functioning, or looking (like the way we can love our children even though we don’t always like how they behave). In fact doubling down on self-compassion when our bodies are hurting, aging, holding on to extra weight, or doing weird things is always a much better approach than judgment and criticism.

Hack #5: Avoid sexual positions that make you feel extra vulnerable, anxious or insecure.

Just because your boo likes you on top or from behind, doesn’t mean you are obligated to fulfill their wishes.  If those positions don’t work for you (and you’ve tried lingerie and lighting) because you find yourself obsessing about what you look like from that angle, you can always say “no thank you; this is great, but can we do this instead?”

Hack #6: Be nicer to yourself

Most of us are so incredibly tough on our bodies, often vacillating between self-abuse and self-neglect. It makes me sad. And, we have this belief that we have to feel better about ourselves in order to treat ourselves better. But actually, it’s the other way around. Why not consider treating your body a little bit better, despite how you actually feel about it? For example, take a walk or ride your bike - because we know bodies like this, even if you are feeling “too fat” or unmotivated. Take the feelings completely out of the equation. Or, put on some lipstick or scented lotion, even if you aren’t feeling especially sexy. Schedule that dentist appointment or yearly pap smear. Get off your phone and try to get to bed a little earlier. Drink less (booze, not water). Stuff like that. Remember, you don’t have to love or even like your body to treat it better. 

In closing, even if you take these hacks one step at a time, you’ll hopefully start feeling a little more sexy and a little less insecure as time goes on. You AND your partner will both be happy! If you live in New York State and are interested in working together on body image or sex issues, you can learn more about my services here. If you live outside New York State, check out my favorite mental health and wellness resources, including podcasts, books, Ted Talks, and more, on my resources page.