#RelationshipGoals: Ruby and Stan from NBC’s “Good Girls”
#RelationshipGoals is a series where I do a deep dive into some of my favorite pop culture relationships, from a therapist’s perspective.
Does anybody else think that Ruby and Stan of NBC’s Good Girls are one of the most awesome couples on TV? Anyone? When I began exploring my idea of best TV couple for this post, I did some googling to see what others thought. I quickly learned that what others define as “best” seemed to almost exclusively describe couples in the early stage of a relationship – couples falling in or newly in love (known in my biz as the Limerence stage) when the passion & chemistry is sky high…before the first major fight or disillusionment…before the rose colored glasses come off. The problem with these couples, IMHO, is that it’s easy to be an awesomely happy couple in that stage. Our brain chemicals are doing all the work for us. It sure is a sweet ride, those first 12-18 months.
But I wasn’t looking for couples in that place. I was much more interested in identifying a happy TV couple who depicted a more mature & differentiated version of love, a more realistic version, if you will, of a longer term committed couple. A relationship that is happy and functional not by chance or chemistry, but because 2 people have put in the work to make it that way. Don’t get me wrong. I get that TV is fantasy. TV doesn’t promise us reality, even when it says it does. Still, I do find myself looking for models of good committed relationships on TV and in books and movies. Because I didn’t see them in my childhood, and I don’t often see them in my work (at least not in the beginning, wink wink). But I am a person of faith, I know they exist, and I believe they are possible. Anything is possible in TV land!
So, after wading through a series of tropes, stereotypes, caricatures of mostly teen or younger couples in my online investigation, I kept coming back to my personal favs, Ruby & Stan (special shout-outs to my runners up – Mitch & Cam from Modern Family; Mike & Frankie from The Middle; Rainbow and Dre from Black-ish and Kev & V from Shameless).
For those who don’t watch the show, Stan and Ruby are a working-class black with 2 young children – one of whom has a chronic illness and eventually needs a kidney transplant. The stressors in their lives are real – financial, health, racism, work, but they have friends, faith, and a community at church supporting them. And while their marriage is not the focus of the show, their relationship stands out in almost every episode as one to be admired and celebrated. And here’s why:
They are FRIENDS first.
It is crystal clear that Ruby and Stan really LIKE each other and enjoy being with each other. Their interactions are full of silliness and playfulness. They have such a sweet & easy rapport. They are not the kind of coupe where you scratch your head and wonder how they ever got together. They make sense. And that’s important, because according to researchers John & Julie Gottman, a deep friendship is the foundation for a happy and lasting marriage.
They’re a true TEAM.
Over the course of 3 seasons, Stan and Ruby learned some super hard lessons about honesty, deception, trust, and teamwork, culminating in them becoming “partners in crime.” And while I’m not exactly recommending that you and your partner embark on a life of crime together, I do think there’s value in figuring out how to view your relationship in this way (think: teammates on an easy going kick ball team, not an MMA fighter or chess player, trying to crush your opponent). And although I have never been a serious member of a sports team (my brief stints in middle school playing field hockey and tennis probably don’t count), I know from watching that Michael Jordan documentary that being a part of a team means these things- you have (and actively build) team spirit even when you are losing; you practice regularly; you have shared goals ; and you collaborate rather than compete with one another (you pass the ball to your teammates, even if you don’t always like them or think you need them).
They have a happy SEX life.
One of my all-time favorite episodes features a scene in which Stan and Ruby smoke a little weed, eat some smacks, dance to Nelly’s “Hot in Here”, and presumably get busy. Although we don’t actually see the main event. And we don’t need to. Because the foreplay is that good (and foreplay counts as sex, ya’ll). We see intentionality, seduction, and anticipation. We see them setting a sexy stage so they can take off their “parent hats”, relax, and be lovers for the evening. Maybe I’ll watch that episode again tonight!
They have EMOTIONAL Intimacy.
I love how Stan and Ruby are casually affectionate outside of the bedroom. She doesn’t jump away or swat his hand away when he reaches out to her. She is open to his bids for affection. And he is there with a hug or to listen when she needs to vent (about how stressful it is to rob, launder and print money, of course). I love how they sit and talk & actually look at each other without the distraction of their cell phones between them, talking about adult things and not just the kid’s lives or schedules. They treat each other with warmth, kindness & respect, call each other boo and bae. It’s not rocket science folks.
They do CONFLICT well.
It’s not that they haven’t had conflict. They’ve had plenty. It’s that they fight fair. They stay calm. They listen without defensiveness, even when they don’t agree or like what they’ve heard. They have developed the courage & willingness to talk about hard things, express hard emotions; they get mad…but they don’t attack or belittle the other. Ruby gets support from her friends when she and Stan aren’t doing well, but she doesn’t trash talk him. Stan works through his stubbornness and judgments when he learns disturbing things about Ruby but eventually overcomes his tendency to withdraw and distance. They aren’t perfect, but they have figured out how to argue, disagree AND still maintain connection. #Relationship Goals.
They are 2 separate people and a “WE.”
Another stand out scene was when Stan discovers what Ruby has done to pay for the family medical bills associated with their daughter’s illness. Understandably, Stan is shocked and appalled after learning about the lengths to which she has gone to get money. But ultimately, Ruby owns her choices and declares in not so many words– this is me, thank you very much. It’s not that she’s proud of what she’s done. On the contrary, she was always deeply conflicted and regretful of her actions and choices. But the lesson here is that Ruby developed the courage to hold steady, stand tall, live according to her deepest values (saving her daughter’s life, at any cost), and reveal her true and imperfect self to Stan, despite his reactions. That is differentiation at its best, folks.
“I got you” is something that Ruby & Stan say to each other a lot. In the language of human attachment, that statement means 2 important things: “you matter” and “I am here for you.” How relaxing that statement feels. And isn’t that what we’re all shooting for? That safe haven. So, hats off to Ruby & Stan (and the writers who know a thing or two about healthy relationships) for showing us what healthy and happy black love looks like and how sweet it can be.
If you’re located in New York State and are interested in chatting more about your own relationship, you can learn more about working with me here. If you’re located outside of New York State, you can find my favorite mental health and wellness resources here.
