How to Make Your Sex Life Work When One Partner is Kinky and The Other Isn’t
Few things are as difficult for a couple to navigate as those big fundamental differences. You know what I’m talking about: Whether or not to have children; parenting styles; political & religious differences; messy versus sloppy (believe me, this is BIG). These are the kinds of differences that often rise to the level of deal breaker in a relationship.
I’ve been thinking a lot about differences lately. About how all differences are not created equal. And about how threatening those big ones can feel to the couple bond.
A client recently shared with me that within the kink community it is believed that these kinds of “mixed” relationships (where one person is kinky & one person is not) rarely survive. And while that doesn’t surprise me, that hasn’t been my experience. Having worked with countless couples with this issue, I have learned a lot about how to successfully navigate this difference resulting in many happy outcomes. For real.
Unless you, either by chance or design, found your kinky love match early on, it’s not uncommon for couples to discover this difference years later into the relationship. It makes sense when you think about it. It can be scary to reveal our authentic sexual selves to another person, even when we are relatively sure that that person cares about us. It feels like a risk. And it takes courage. And sometimes this coming out process can be rough. For example, it’s not easy to hear that our partner likes to be humiliated or conversely to inflict pain; It’s not easy to share that you like age-play or get turned on by seeing your partner with another person. For some couples, these revelations constitute a crisis.
But luckily for you, I have learned a lot from my clients about how to deal with this – what works and what doesn’t. So, struggle no more my friends.
Advice for the KINKY person in the relationship:
Pull back a little. Slow down. Be patient. And soothe your frustration. Whether or not you consider your kinkiness to be a leisure activity or an orientation/identity (a hotly debated issues in my field), I’m guessing it is a big part of your life, and your sexual interests and impulses may sometimes feel big & intense. You have so many cool ideas. And it’s frustrating and disappointing to not have someone to play with. But, it’s also quite possible that your partner may have felt intimidated, overwhelmed, or at times pushed by all of those cool ideas. Consider pulling back, and giving your partner some space to get comfortable. Slow down. This is a process to be worked through together.
Understand the difference between needs and desires. Most of us think of our sexual impulses as “needs” when in fact they are desires or wants. Easy way to know the difference? We don’t die if we don’t have them. Needs are things like food, water, and oxygen. I get that our sexual impulses can feel super strong (like a need), but if they are truly just hormone driven sexual impulses, that itch would be scratched by masturbating. Right? And yet, often that itch wants something else. So, get curious about your sexual desires and impulses. What are you really wanting to experience with your partner?
Don’t expect your partner to change for you. Change must be a self-directed project. Many of us either implicitly or explicitly believe that it is our partner’s job to meet our sexual wishes. After all, that’s what we all signed up for and agreed to in the marriage vows, right? Not necessarily. If you want a happy sex life, get use to the idea that creating a satisfying sex life will likely take change on both sides.
Communicate better. Try communicating your sexual interests without using the word “needs.” Think about sharing your interests and asking for what you’d like by saying, “It would be so fun if we could try.” “I would love it so much if we could do…” Would you be interested in trying this with me?” “What are your thoughts about doing something like this?” “Wouldn’t it be fun if we tried this?” And don’t forget to be specific and give examples. If your partner is new to kink, they will at best have some preconceived notions of what kink is, and at worst, they won’t really know anything. The more specific you can be, the better.
Always establish clear & verbal CONSENT. Kink is best practiced on a foundation of safety & consent. Need I say more?
Respect limits & boundaries and don’t pressure. Aside from this being not cool, it’s counter- productive. When your partner feels safe with you, they may be more open to trying new things. That being said, if your partner communicates a hard “No” it is your job to accept this with graciousness and maturity (that means no sulking or passive aggressive behaviors).
Get support from other Kinksters. There are so many safe and reputable places and opportunities for support these days. Take advantage of being a part of a community of others who share your interests. Many kinky people find this to be essential to their happiness and well being.
Advice for the NON-KINKY person in the relationship:
If you can, try to stay open. Be willing to explore. Be curious. And check your judgments.
Identify your fears & don’t be afraid to share them with your partner. Does kinky stuff feel scary because it’s all so new or because you don’t know enough yet? Or perhaps you’re afraid that your partner will leave you if you can’t fulfill their needs? Whatever it is, confronting your fears will be a necessary part of this process.
Do some research, I mean A LOT of research. This was by far one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve consistently gotten from non-kinky partners. Learning about what it really means to be submissive, for example, or clarifying the difference between liking strong sensations and pain may be really helpful in reducing your fears and correcting any misperceptions. Most of us know very little about what kink is really all about. Knowledge is power, baby.
Own your unique sexuality. Your sexual self is as interesting and awesome as your kinky partners. Don’t let your sexual interests be sidelined or ignored just because your kinky partner may have what feels like the more dominant sexual energy. The term vanilla has come to mean “boring” in some circles, but I think it’s time to celebrate vanilla. Because who doesn’t love vanilla ice cream and candles?
Set clear boundaries and limits, and don’t feel guilty about them. You don’t have to apologize or over explain why, for example, you may not want to choke out your partner or be blind folded. It may feel scary or embarrassing, or it just may not be your thing.
Advice to the COUPLE:
Set aside time to talk outside of the bedroom and strive for mutual understanding before trying to find a solution. Get curious about each other’s internal sexual worlds, your partner’s interests and why they like what they like. Practice listening and sharing simply for the purpose of connecting and building intimacy.
Attend a support group or educational workshop together. I’m not suggesting you visit a dungeon or sex party right out of the gate. But there are lots of resources these days that couples can take advantage of for the purpose of growing their sex lives together.
Brainstorm together. Rather than immediately focusing on finding a middle ground or compromise, think outside of the box as you begin to work together to discover possible solutions. Some couples may start with taking the “BDSM Test” (free online self-assessment) or doing a “yes-no-maybe” list together, as a first step. Others find that some form of a “Monogamish” arrangement works well for them.
Be hopeful. You and your partner likely connect in a million different ways. It’s okay if you’re not a perfect match around your sexual interests. It’s perfectly normal. There’s no need to panic or sink into hopelessness. Think of yourself as erotic teammates who will confront this challenge together. And who knows what surprising solutions you might stumble upon?
If you are struggling with trying to navigate this process yourself, it might be helpful to talk it out with a trained professional. Feel free to reach out to schedule a free consult here!
